An open letter to Ass Vertura: Conspiracy Detective

(Jesse Ventura is staring in a new faux documentary series on TruTV called Conspiracy Theory)

Jesse, you claim that you’re exposing global conspiracies; but in reality, you’re exposing yourself as a fool.  Ever since 9/11, I’ve been watching this obsession developed over conspiracy theories.  A few days after the tower fell, stories began. In short order they morphed. Within a year or so, we were hearing theories that George Bush personally approved the destruction of the towers.   

Try and talk to anyone who has bought into these theories. If you’ll listen to them, they love you. But you can’t debate anything with them. They have heard from “experts”.  Of course, the credentials of these experts are never fully explored. Using simple common sense and logic, you can see flaws in almost every assertion that they make. But should you debate them and prove them wrong on more than 2 points; they will try to discredit you by calling you a “government stooge”.  YES, anyone who doesn’t agree with their theories MUST BE IN ON IT.

 What does that tell you?  These people are not thinking rationally.  Watch the intensity with which they hold to these beliefs. I believe many of them experience a kind of euphoria discussing it and indoctrinating other into these beliefs.  I am very concerned about the power behind this fervor.

Ok so, why am I writing this to you?  I believe you’re helping to fan a dangerous flame.   Your show is using manipulative techniques to present info in a way that seems objective and authoritative. You’re almost as bad as the other faux documentaries all over the internet. I know the techniques: dispassionate narrator, ominous music, open ended questions and nodding heads are meant to convince us of something without allowing us the opportunity to objectively evaluate whether it’s reasonable or even plausible.  Fake meetings supposedly presenting research your team has done; clever editing making it appear your reporter had to run from communist police. Jesse, come on. If the police didn’t want to be filmed, your reporter would be in jail and the footage wouldn’t be on your show, now would it?

But the ultimate smack down is your continual use of that bastion of paranoia, Alex Jones as a credible source, “a true conspiracy insider” you called him. I can’t watch or give any credibility to your show so long as you use him as a reference. I saw a documentary online that had a segment he was in. Keep in mind this was a documentary completely sympathetic to his message. He was sitting in his hotel room with his crew. They were preparing to leave the hotel to protest a meeting being held across the street. Suddenly the lights went out and a fire alarm began to sound.  After just a few seconds the fire alarm silenced and the lights came back on.  But Alex was up and running around the room like a chicken with his head cut off. For 30 seconds or more, he seemed convinced “THEY” had come to get him – the scary unnamed THEY. He was frantically trying to plan an escape, not from a potential fire, but from the black-op: Special Forces who had come to take him out. I’m sure to this day, he thinks his escape was a close call. Had I been in that hotel, I would have assumed it was a routine test of the fire alarm system as is required by law in many communities and not black-ops: Special Forces come to take me out. But that’s just me.  

Jesse, I’m very concerned that anyone should sensationalize the theories of these crack-pots.  More so than any actual conspiracy, I believe it’s this fascination with conspiracies and the accompanying paranoia that is the biggest threat to peace, both here in the United States and abroad. I believe your show is doing harm.  The saddest part is that it completely discredits any actual conspiracies you might uncover. Because no matter what theme your show is about this week, it always seems to come back to the U.N. trying to take over the world. You remember that piece you did about how the government wants to put a small dose of an antipsychotic in the water? Well bud, having seen some of your assertions I’ve gotta say, “better sooner than later”.

A Waste of Money

I just spent a couple of days in NYC and I can tell you without a doubt that the new - recently canceled - tunnel project was completely unnecessary. It’s surprising to me that there was any doubt on the issue.  Anyone who lives in Manhattan instinctively knows that an additional tunnel is not a solution. In fact, I’m surprised New Yorkers weren’t up in arms protesting the idea. 

Ok, maybe if it was necessary to retire one of the existing tunnels in the near future, then it might make sense to begin planning a replacement tunnel.  But adding a new tunnel to the existing roadways will just make an obvious problem worse.

NYC doesn’t need a new tunnel. NYC needs a lot fewer people to drive into NYC. Taxis and busses can barely move as it is. The amount of time it takes to drive in is the primary deterrent and the only thing encouraging the use of mass transit. Why compound the city’s traffic problem by encouraging more people to drive in?


I'm surprised we haven't seen it already. They day can't be far off. One day, we'll be just feet away from the Lincoln Tunnel toll booth and a sign will appear saying Manhattan Full. Maybe there will be arrows pointing you towards other available cities to drive into.

There are those odd times of day, early Sunday morning for instance, that you can easily drive around Manhattan. But at those times, there’s NO shortage of tunnels. So what’s the problem?  If you are upset because you can’t drive into Manhattan in a reasonably short period of time, then take the train or a bus and stop belly-aching.

Unexpected Truth in Advertising:

I HATE deceptive advertising. I always have. But rather than go into all of that, I thought I’d bring to your attention an ad campaign that is refreshingly honest. It’s reminiscent of the fabled Volvo ad: “They’re boxy, but we like them.”

In a totally unexpected and apparently honest ad campaign, the Kia Soul claims to be better than a toaster OR a cardboard box. That’s not just any cardboard box. It’s one you wear on your head and run around using your feet for locomotion ala The Flintstones.

Now, I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I’m betting this ad is true. I’m willing to accept, without ever having been near a Kia Soul, that it’s better general transportation than a toaster OR a box.  When Car & Driver did their annual ranking, neither the box nor the toaster received high marks for resale value or safety rating in surviving a head-on collision. The BMW Box was totally lacking in side curtain airbags while the Soctor-Prilex Toaster had a tendency to burst into flames and scorch its passengers or “Pop-Tarts” as they are more commonly known.   In fact they only surpassed the Kia Soul in one category: Mileage. Since neither the Box nor the Toaster uses internal combustion, they are both “greener” than the Soul. It’s important to note that by not having a gasoline engine, they qualify for “alternative fuel” tax breaks.

Well, I have to applaud the KIA Corporation for such a bold attempt at honest and frank advertising. I do however fear that this ad might subconsciously backfire.  You see, while they’ve made a firm case that the Soul is better than either a box or a toaster, they failed to compare the Soul to a box and a toaster. In response to this oversight, toaster manufacturers have begun giving boxes away free with the purchase of a toaster. I wonder what the F.T.C. will have to say about that.

The Way to San Jose

Ok so, here’s the scene.  You’re driving late at night and someone has been honking at you for that last half mile. Now you’re trapped at a red light and he has pulled up beside you. Don’t look over. Don’t make eye contact! He’s honking again and has rolled his window down. He’s yelling something!! Oh my God…  What? “Your passenger side rear tire is almost flat.” Oh… 

That was me honking at you. I’ve really never been afraid to introduce myself to strangers; especially when safety is at stake. Asking for directions on the other hand; that’s a whole different thing. Why is that? I know for me personally, I HATE random lists of instructions and after all isn’t that exactly what directions are?  Go Left. Go right. Go down three lights, and you’re lost. But that’s me. Memorizing directions is absolutely repugnant. But I’m not really sure why.

I have found that when I resist something for no apparent reason, usually there’s a subconscious reason lurking in the primordial depths. So I began to ponder this mystery. Here’s what I discovered:

Language probably started with asking for directions.  No, I’m serious. Bees communicate but they only “talk” about one thing: where to find the nectar. And what did cave men have to say to one another that couldn’t be communicated with the more effective shrug? Or the far more effective grunt? Still in use today, the grunt is a very practical form of communications. With a change in inflection, it can communicate everything from, “The wife and kids are fine. Thank you for asking.” to “The job sucks. Why did you have to bring that up?”  The grunt could even have been used by early man to say, “I see you found food. May I have some?”  But there’s one thing the grunt could not have communicated.

The grunt could not have communicated “You see that hill? You go three valleys that way until you come to a big rock shaped like a fish. There you will find plenty of food. Go away now.”  Yes, language had to be developed in order to give directions.

But what if you were a caveman and you just found a valley full of food? Would you be inclined to tell another caveman about it? Of course you wouldn’t. You’d just want him to go away; far, far away so you could eat in peace.  So along with the beginning of language and directions, comes lying to stay one step ahead of your neighbor.   

The reason why we resist asking for directions is that subconsciously, we expect to be lied to. We expect the directions to get us lost or lead to nothing but a thorn patch.

Hard Wired

At the end of a long political argument, a young democrat said to me, “Wouldn’t you ever consider voting against your own self-interest?”  And I replied “Of course not. That would be absurd. The whole point of voting is picking a leader who I believe has my best interests at heart.”

On another occasion, I watched the character Denny Crane of Boston Legal commenting on being conservative. He said “We get it. We’re wrong. We don’t CARE!!!”  Somehow, his frustration really resonates with me.  For a long time now, democrats have been making me feel guilty for believing what I believe and for voting the way I vote.  I'm becomming more than just a little disgusted with the whole political system.

Just what makes us so different? What is it at the core that separates Republican from Democrat?  As I remember that argument with the young democrat, I think I probably am more selfish that I ought to be.  But that’s hard-wired into me from birth, right? Self preservation is the number one priority.  But if self preservation is number one, what is number two?

Developing a desire for group preservation was probably the most important factor in the evolution of society, early villages and language. If you look at averages, cities are usually the stronghold of the liberal / Democrats while the suburbs and rural communities are the center of conservative / Republican thinking. Group preservation may be hard wired into us genetically as strongly as self preservation.  On the other hand, if there weren’t a lot of folks who still preferred to live away from the village, the plagues might have ended us as a species. So maybe it is by design that about half of us see group preservation as the most important thing and the other half of us see self preservation as the most important thing. Maybe that diversity is why we succeeded as a species.  

Could it really be that simple? That placing a priority on group preservation over self preservation, or the other way around, is all that separates Democrat from Republican and even Communist from Capitalist?

The Blogger’s Creed:

For quite some time, I have considered writing a blog. But I’ve hesitated because of how the concept was first described to me. “A blog”, it was explained, “is a blah, blah, blah, blah log. You write about every tiny piece of minutia in your life.”  As I browse many of the blogs on Blogspot.com, that seems to be the case. 

In stark contrast to the main stream, I believe that just because something can be blogged about, doesn’t mean it should be blogged about.  For instance, I have no intention of revealing either the color or the girth of today’s stool.  And I hope you have no desire to read about such.  

This led me to an interesting idea:  The Blogger’s Creed.  Yes, rather than offering a simple commitment to warn you of BS in my blogs, I thought, why not publish a commitment, a creed, a battle cry for other bloggers to rally ‘round as well?

So here it is:

I promise to post nothing if nothing is all I have to say. I will treat my readers with the respect.  Just because something is mildly interesting to me does not mean that the entire internet needs to know about it. I will only publish interesting and thought provoking ideas.  I will omit minutia whenever possible. Although BS is sometimes necessary for comedic effect, I will clearly mark BS whenever it appears in my blog entries.

So there you have it; my first pass at “The Blogger’s Creed”.  Now if I can just get the rest of the internet to go along with it.

 By the way; it was beige. 

Why I Love - Hate South Park

You might be thinking South Park has just done an episode poking fun at my favorite pastime or my particular foible, but it's just not true. This Love/Hate relationship goes all the way back to the beginning: The very first episode that I saw. It was truly horrible. Jerky movement. Bad lip-sync. Nearly unintelligible voices. And yet, it was funny. It communicated.

I realized that if South Park was acceptable, that the bar was finally so low I could produce my own show. What was there to stop me? Apparently there is no actual minimum quality anymore. So I started looking into the practical side of it. I started looking at different editing and animation programs.  That was easy, being the crack PC & Mac user that I am. (Not a crack user... a crack PC user). In about a week, I was ready.

There I sat staring into my computer screen, but nothing happened. Nothing. I couldn't even pull a blank sheet of paper out, crumple it up, and toss it into the waste basket. I had nothing. And then I realized something truly significant. I was a talentless hack. No... Well, that's true but that's not what I learned on that day.

It's all about story. Without a story, you have nothing to say. With a good story, the medium is nearly irrelevant. So forgetting what any particular episode of South Park is about, the series in general is about laughing at all of us and reminding us that story is king. That there are no real limitations if you have creativity.
(Insert closing theme for the original Willy Wonka movie here)