An open letter to Ass Vertura: Conspiracy Detective

(Jesse Ventura is staring in a new faux documentary series on TruTV called Conspiracy Theory)

Jesse, you claim that you’re exposing global conspiracies; but in reality, you’re exposing yourself as a fool.  Ever since 9/11, I’ve been watching this obsession developed over conspiracy theories.  A few days after the tower fell, stories began. In short order they morphed. Within a year or so, we were hearing theories that George Bush personally approved the destruction of the towers.   

Try and talk to anyone who has bought into these theories. If you’ll listen to them, they love you. But you can’t debate anything with them. They have heard from “experts”.  Of course, the credentials of these experts are never fully explored. Using simple common sense and logic, you can see flaws in almost every assertion that they make. But should you debate them and prove them wrong on more than 2 points; they will try to discredit you by calling you a “government stooge”.  YES, anyone who doesn’t agree with their theories MUST BE IN ON IT.

 What does that tell you?  These people are not thinking rationally.  Watch the intensity with which they hold to these beliefs. I believe many of them experience a kind of euphoria discussing it and indoctrinating other into these beliefs.  I am very concerned about the power behind this fervor.

Ok so, why am I writing this to you?  I believe you’re helping to fan a dangerous flame.   Your show is using manipulative techniques to present info in a way that seems objective and authoritative. You’re almost as bad as the other faux documentaries all over the internet. I know the techniques: dispassionate narrator, ominous music, open ended questions and nodding heads are meant to convince us of something without allowing us the opportunity to objectively evaluate whether it’s reasonable or even plausible.  Fake meetings supposedly presenting research your team has done; clever editing making it appear your reporter had to run from communist police. Jesse, come on. If the police didn’t want to be filmed, your reporter would be in jail and the footage wouldn’t be on your show, now would it?

But the ultimate smack down is your continual use of that bastion of paranoia, Alex Jones as a credible source, “a true conspiracy insider” you called him. I can’t watch or give any credibility to your show so long as you use him as a reference. I saw a documentary online that had a segment he was in. Keep in mind this was a documentary completely sympathetic to his message. He was sitting in his hotel room with his crew. They were preparing to leave the hotel to protest a meeting being held across the street. Suddenly the lights went out and a fire alarm began to sound.  After just a few seconds the fire alarm silenced and the lights came back on.  But Alex was up and running around the room like a chicken with his head cut off. For 30 seconds or more, he seemed convinced “THEY” had come to get him – the scary unnamed THEY. He was frantically trying to plan an escape, not from a potential fire, but from the black-op: Special Forces who had come to take him out. I’m sure to this day, he thinks his escape was a close call. Had I been in that hotel, I would have assumed it was a routine test of the fire alarm system as is required by law in many communities and not black-ops: Special Forces come to take me out. But that’s just me.  

Jesse, I’m very concerned that anyone should sensationalize the theories of these crack-pots.  More so than any actual conspiracy, I believe it’s this fascination with conspiracies and the accompanying paranoia that is the biggest threat to peace, both here in the United States and abroad. I believe your show is doing harm.  The saddest part is that it completely discredits any actual conspiracies you might uncover. Because no matter what theme your show is about this week, it always seems to come back to the U.N. trying to take over the world. You remember that piece you did about how the government wants to put a small dose of an antipsychotic in the water? Well bud, having seen some of your assertions I’ve gotta say, “better sooner than later”.

A Waste of Money

I just spent a couple of days in NYC and I can tell you without a doubt that the new - recently canceled - tunnel project was completely unnecessary. It’s surprising to me that there was any doubt on the issue.  Anyone who lives in Manhattan instinctively knows that an additional tunnel is not a solution. In fact, I’m surprised New Yorkers weren’t up in arms protesting the idea. 

Ok, maybe if it was necessary to retire one of the existing tunnels in the near future, then it might make sense to begin planning a replacement tunnel.  But adding a new tunnel to the existing roadways will just make an obvious problem worse.

NYC doesn’t need a new tunnel. NYC needs a lot fewer people to drive into NYC. Taxis and busses can barely move as it is. The amount of time it takes to drive in is the primary deterrent and the only thing encouraging the use of mass transit. Why compound the city’s traffic problem by encouraging more people to drive in?


I'm surprised we haven't seen it already. They day can't be far off. One day, we'll be just feet away from the Lincoln Tunnel toll booth and a sign will appear saying Manhattan Full. Maybe there will be arrows pointing you towards other available cities to drive into.

There are those odd times of day, early Sunday morning for instance, that you can easily drive around Manhattan. But at those times, there’s NO shortage of tunnels. So what’s the problem?  If you are upset because you can’t drive into Manhattan in a reasonably short period of time, then take the train or a bus and stop belly-aching.

Unexpected Truth in Advertising:

I HATE deceptive advertising. I always have. But rather than go into all of that, I thought I’d bring to your attention an ad campaign that is refreshingly honest. It’s reminiscent of the fabled Volvo ad: “They’re boxy, but we like them.”

In a totally unexpected and apparently honest ad campaign, the Kia Soul claims to be better than a toaster OR a cardboard box. That’s not just any cardboard box. It’s one you wear on your head and run around using your feet for locomotion ala The Flintstones.

Now, I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I’m betting this ad is true. I’m willing to accept, without ever having been near a Kia Soul, that it’s better general transportation than a toaster OR a box.  When Car & Driver did their annual ranking, neither the box nor the toaster received high marks for resale value or safety rating in surviving a head-on collision. The BMW Box was totally lacking in side curtain airbags while the Soctor-Prilex Toaster had a tendency to burst into flames and scorch its passengers or “Pop-Tarts” as they are more commonly known.   In fact they only surpassed the Kia Soul in one category: Mileage. Since neither the Box nor the Toaster uses internal combustion, they are both “greener” than the Soul. It’s important to note that by not having a gasoline engine, they qualify for “alternative fuel” tax breaks.

Well, I have to applaud the KIA Corporation for such a bold attempt at honest and frank advertising. I do however fear that this ad might subconsciously backfire.  You see, while they’ve made a firm case that the Soul is better than either a box or a toaster, they failed to compare the Soul to a box and a toaster. In response to this oversight, toaster manufacturers have begun giving boxes away free with the purchase of a toaster. I wonder what the F.T.C. will have to say about that.